It was exactly two years ago today that I left Santa Barbara and headed back to Boise. I didn’t know what was next, I just knew that my time in Santa Barbara was complete, or at least for the time being. The intuitive sense I felt that my Santa Barbara chapter had closed and a new chapter was about to begin was the single point of faith I was clinging to as I reluctantly packed up, left my home and once again, started fresh.
These past two years have been beyond difficult. Grief, self-reflection, examining truth, accepting life as is and so many challenges, well it is too much to unpack here in this post. So I have decided to begin blogging again…pause for reaction.
About 9 months ago I began to experience multiple challenges with my health and overall wellness. I say overall wellness because, it’s a moving target as we age, but I knew that what I was feeling inside my body was different and not quite right. I diligently got back into routine check-ups, wellness exams and began exploring the physiologic causes behind this feeling, as well as the psychological causes, restarting therapy, redefining exercise and becoming increasingly committed to my meditation practice. As we all know, Covid became the obstacle and the lens narrowed, my concentration and multi-tasking took a backseat, as well as my appointments. But I still had a nudging, still knowing something wasn’t quite right.
By mid-summer, I ventured out again to get a handle on all the things. I was being presented with surgical scenarios to address my physiological symptoms and finding that I only had the bandwidth to deal with one thing at a time. I decided in late September to undergo a hysterectomy. Something I find I am still processing as the failure of never realizing a dream of motherhood is now for certain on the shelf, as well as just feeling like a failure as a woman. Once I had physcially recovered from that surgery, it was onto the next and the thing that will continue to be part of my life, until, well, my life in this human form is over.
I was diagnosed with an invasive skin cancer in several spots, but tomorrow, I will lose the majority of my left ear. I do not fear the disfiguration, but actually the unknown of how far the excision will progress to remove this cancer. The worries that have occupied my mind over the past 3 months have to do with loss….loss of hearing and functionality and ME. How do you not go through something like this and not change and how do you continue to manage in your body that you think you know and have tried to love, but it seems as if your body isn’t loving you? The other large sense of baggage I carry at this time is knowing how this journey progresses. A snip here, an excision there, a curable cancer, a not curable cancer. I have walked this road before and the ending was brutal, unseen and abrupt, leaving alot on the table that had yet to be discussed, shared, felt or processed. You see, day to day needs normalcy and while it is common and curable, cancer is not normalcy.
So here I am, trying my best again to just feel normal in my journey that has been anything but. I am a private person, but my hope by sharing my history, my struggles and my fear at this time is to lessen this burden and create working space, bandwidth, if you will, to live in some sort of normalcy.
We are here to share our stories and connect with each other through these shared experiences. Thank you for joining me on mine.